English Jokes

What is joke? Well, joke is:
  • a humorous anecdote or remark intended to provoke laughter;
  • activity characterized by good humor;
  • a ludicrous or grotesque act done for fun and amusement;
  • a triviality not to be taken seriously
1. Water Your Flowers Every Day

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"Flowers need water," said the teacher. "Water your flowers every day, or they'll die."
One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, "What are you doing there, Marry?"
"Watering flowers," said Marry.
"But it is raining now!"
"Oh, it doesn't matter. Mum."

2. Multiple Functions of a Fly Swatter

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A mother came home from shopping for tea, and saw that some tea had already been made by her 15-year-old daughter. The mother then asked the daughter, "Did you use the tea strainer?" Because in England they use chopped tea leaves to make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to strain out the tea leaves, and then drink only the liquid. And the daughter said, "Yes, mother, I did filter the tea leaves. But I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter. "The mother said, "Oh! My God! Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done that!" And the daughter said, "Oh mother, don't panic. It's just an old one. I didn't use the new one."

3. I Guess It's All Right.

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Hurrying my 11-year old daughter to school, I made a right turn at a red light when it was prohibited. "Uh-oh," I said, realizing my mistake. "I just made an illegal turn." "I guess it's all right." my daughter replied, "The police car behind us did the same thing."

Spotlight - Specialized English

Spotlight is made by a team of Christian men and women from all over the world. Spotlight is produced in the United States and England by teams from Words of Hope, FEBA Radio and Back to God Ministries International. They are Christian organizations with many years of experience in radio.

Self Harming: Treatment

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Thank you for joining us for today’s Spotlight program. I’m Liz Waid.
And I’m Ryan Geertsma. Spotlight uses a special English method of broadcasting. It is easier for people to understand, no matter where in the world they live.
Dawn began to harm her body when she was about 17 years old. Many things were wrong in her home.
“I always felt a lot of anger, but I did not know what to do with it. I was not permitted to get angry at home. I could not express my anger.”
She began to cut her body. It started with small cuts. But cutting made her feel better. So she continued. She always hid her cuts with long shirts and trousers.
“I did not think there was anything wrong with it. I had never heard of cutting. I thought I created it. The more sad or angry I felt, the more I did it. I was doing it almost every day.”
Self-harm helped Dawn deal with her life and her strong emotions. It helped her cope. But after some time, her mother began to notice. She suspected something was wrong. And she discovered some of Dawn’s art drawings. These drawings were of a person. The person’s arms were cut. And she knew that the person was Dawn.
As a mother, she did not want Dawn to be unhappy. It was very difficult to understand. And at first, even when she saw evidence of Dawn’s self-harm, she would push it away. She did not want it to be true. But she knew she needed to help her daughter. So she did some reading. She read about self-harm and cutting. Then she talked with Dawn.
Dawn and her mother are not alone. Self-harm affects people around the world. Men and women use self-harm to cope with strong emotions, pressure and stress. Young people and old people cause self-harm to deal with the pressure they feel in life. It is not limited to one kind of person, or one place. And there is not one method. Some people self-harm by cutting, like Dawn. But others self-harm by burning their skin, pulling out their hair or even hitting a part of their body over and over.
You may have heard an earlier program about self-harm. On today’s Spotlight, we will talk about ways to stop self-harm.
The first step to help a family member or friend is learning about self-harming behaviour. It is important to understand why a person self-harms. It is necessary to deal with the emotional pain and feelings that lead to self-harm. It will not be possible to address the act of self-harm without this.
It is possible to find many resources on the internet. Web sites like selfinjury.com are very helpful. They provide information defining self-harming behaviour. It offers ideas for family and friends who want to help. And it offers ideas for professional treatment. We have listed some resources on our website, radio dot English dot net. Just look on the script page for this program.
Another way to help a family member or friend who self-harms is to ask about it. Let the person know you are willing to talk about it. By asking the person directly, it is possible to show love and care. Recognize the pain and strong emotion he or she feels. It may not make the pain go away. However, it will make it easier to deal with.
Dr. Wendy Lader is a psychologist. She studies human behaviour and the human mind. She uses this study to treat and care for people who self-harm. When talking to a self-harmer, she says,
Voice 4
“Be direct but understanding. React in a caring way. Say something like, ‘I have noticed scars on your body. Did you make them? I am worried about you. I want to help you get help.”
But it is important not to express judgement in questions or discussion. Anger or judgement will make a self-harmer feel worse. Most self-harmers already feel shame about their acts. So anger or judgement will have an opposite effect. A self-harmer may continue to injure her body to feel better.
Listen to a self-harmer. Let him or her share their feelings. Then they will feel your love and concern. But be patient. Understand that the behaviour will not end immediately. Encourage him or her to express emotions. This will help a self-harmer find a new way to deal with strong emotion.
Offer to do something with this friend of family member. This shows love and care. But it also gives them a distraction. By getting involved in another activity, a self-harmer can forget about her emotions for a time. This will not make everything better. But it can improve the present time. And it can stop negative thinking and bring something positive to a self-harmer’s life.
Finally, encourage a person to get help. Talking to a trained mental health professional can be very helpful. But do not force a self-harmer to go. They will not recognize the help if they are not ready to receive it.
For some people, treatment programs are very helpful. Dr. Lader offers a program called S.A.F.E. Alternatives. This program helps a self-harmer learn how to be safe. A mental health professional will know what programs are available in your area.
The S.A.F.E. program helped Dawn stop her self-harm. She spent one year in one of the S.A.F.E. Alternatives treatment programs.
“Now I can identify what makes me want to self-harm. It makes it easier to do other things and not self-harm. I can see warning signs. Like when I start to spend too much time alone. I can stop before I start self-harming.”
Like Dawn, it is important for a self-harmer to find new ways to cope with their emotions and stress. Being able to recognize warning signs helps prevent self-harming behaviour.
Some mental health professionals encourage a fifteen minute rule. They say that once a person feels like self-harming, he should wait fifteen minutes. During that time, he should do something different. Like write, draw art, talk to a friend, or go for a walk. Then if the feeling has passed, they have kept from self-harming. Or they can try to wait fifteen minutes again, if the feeling has not passed.
Finding a different activity is good. It takes a person’s mind off of self-injury. And it keeps him busy. This gives him a new way to cope. For example, Dawn discovered that art helped her a lot with her own problems.
Today, Dawn is healthier. She does not self-harm. She finished college. And she hopes to help other people, by using art. She is hopeful about her future. Self-harming can end - and with help from friends and family, it does end for many people.
The writer and producer of today’s program was Courtney Schutt. All quotes were adapted for use in this program. The voices you heard were from the United States and the United Kingdom. Computer users can visit our website at http://www.radio.english.net. This program is called “Self-Harming: Treatment.” We hope you can join us again for the next Spotlight program. Goodbye!